When I Say “I Don’t Like That”, It’s Not a Challenge to Prove Me Wrong

Earlier today, I was talking to my cousin about sex and sex drive. She was explaining to me that she has a lower sex drive than most of her friends and most men she’s dated, and doesn’t actually think of sex as necessary in a relationship which makes it hard for her to date. Especially because when she tries to tell men this, they always respond with patronizing assurances that, “you just haven’t been with the right man.”

This made me think about similar conversations that I’ve tried to have with men regarding things that I don’t like sexually and how they refused to believe my assertions about my own body, reassuring me that “you just haven’t had it done right” and making it their personal mission to prove that they can perform said act in a way that will change/blow my mind. Not only does this never happen, but also… why is this their response? Why not just accept that I don’t enjoy something they like or that other women have told them that they like and move on to something we both enjoy?

Why do so many heterosexual men view sex as a competition and who are they competing with? Me? My previous partners? Both? Are you determined to make me like something I’ve already expressed that I don’t like and have no interest in, Sam-I-Am? I do not like it in the bed, I do not like it with some head. Lemme ‘lone. And the most annoying part is that, in those instances where they are so fixated on being “first” and “only” and proving that they can make me enjoy something I don’t, not only do they fail in that regard, but they fail to tune into and tend to the actual needs and wants that I’ve expressed to them.

Where did this idea come from that we all do or should enjoy the same things sexually? Furthermore, what are these things that everybody likes sexually and where do I find the handbook? I read an article recently titled “Straight Women Are Having Fewer Orgasms Because of Their Useless Partners” (which, I confess, I read solely for the shady title) about a study that was done comparing how frequently men and women orgasm during sex in hetero, gay, lesbian, and bisexual relationships. And the *shocking* results demonstrated that women in heterosexual relationships were statistically less likely to orgasm than women in lesbian and bisexual relationships, and hetero men were more likely to orgasm than hetero women, none of which is news. And the study cited a plethora of factors for the “orgasm gaps” between hetero and lesbian women and hetero men and women, but the most interesting factor to me was the assertion that hetero women don’t ask for what we want in bed.

But what about when we do ask and men don’t listen?

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